Tug-Of-War

As the end gets near
My brain and heart fight;
One clings on to memories,
The other feigns calm despite fright.

You were with me since my first breath,
Now I have to see you through your last.
There’s so much you have yet to teach me,
So many more times I want to hear you laugh.

Nothing prepares you for this -
The stillness, the pain, the empty shell.
The helplessness and hard fought acceptance -
That no matter what I do, I cannot make you well.

You could fix everything Ma,
You fixed us up and made us tough.
But Ma, this is one thing for which,
You did not make us tough enough.

My brain, it fights Ma,
It fights with my heart.
One, it tries to protect me,
The other screams - “Forget her not!”

I try to find solace,
Knowing your pain will one day end.
I do this despite being aware,
That we have fewer days left to spend.

I cling on to all my memories of you,
Even though they will start pricking like thorns.
Your smile, your words, your smell, your love,
No, there’s no question of moving on.

Your end will mark a strange beginning -
Of learning to exist without you.
I will fail and fall and stumble,
But I know this much is true -

Though you will leave us soon,
Your love for us never will.
We will carry you within us,
For our hearts you will never cease to fill.

From the author: This poem was birthed in an attempt to help my dear friend Shweta through a particularly difficult time in her life when her mother was battling metastatic breast cancer. Towards the end, when all treatments had failed, her family had to make the decision to choose palliative care. The 10 months between her mother’s last treatment and eventual passing were some of the worst for Shweta to live through, with her constantly feeling stuck between hoping her mother made a miraculous recovery and wishing her suffering didn’t prolong. Her mother was a ray of sunshine who brightened every room she entered, and it pained me that I could not physically be there for Shweta since I live in a different country from her. When texts and calls just didn’t seem enough, I wrote this in the hope that seeing in words all the turmoil she had been feeling would help her process everything. Tug-Of-War is dedicated to Shweta, her family, and all families who have faced something similar. Priya aunty, miss you.

Shruti is a postdoctoral fellow at Mount Sinai working on disease modeling and drug discovery in the neuroscience space. She entered science with two main goals – to understand how complex human diseases develop and find potential therapeutic avenues. When not at the bench, she participates in mentoring and science communication opportunities. Outside of science, Shruti loves traveling, writing, theater, and finding creative/nerdy things to do in NYC. She has been writing poetry since the age of 12 and finds it an excellent outlet to process the good and bad in the world. Apart from poetry, Shruti enjoys writing short prose and is currently working on a novel she hopes to publish in the near future. Like her science, she hopes her writing will leave a positive impact on the world.