Where Light Falls

In just four months, I’m on the other side of the glass. Trying to forget those few months of my past.

The ones confined to a unit to which I did not have the badge. Spent looking out the window as my favorite winter season passed. I was monitored every ten minutes, hardly allowed to stand – and still, this felt preferable to the cage of my own mind.

The student doctors asked: “What’s your medical history?” and “do you feel safe at home?”

“I’m applying to medical school,” I responded to their most layered question — “What do you do for work?”

I fixed my gaze out the dirty window at the George Washington Bridge, admiring its span of the Hudson, remembering how I dreaded crossing it on my way to tennis as a kid. But now — I longed to do just that.

That view has shifted. I run toward the bridge along the West Side Highway, with friends. Overnights in a hospital bed have been replaced by late nights in the hospital library. I ask the questions I was once asked. And yet, I still feel the distance between the two panes of glass.

Each day I wake, open the window, and take a breath of fresh air. Between patient and doctor, fragility and purpose, there is this moment — crisp air, open sky, light on both sides of the glass.

From the author: "Where Light Falls" is a reflection on the dissonance of being a patient in a psychiatric hospital while applying to medical school. It is about the freedom and privilege that comes with being able to step outside at will, to attend classes, and to dawn a still unfamiliar white coat. The piece is an attempt to give formal shape to the many notes, journal entries, and thoughts I have about this time in my life, and to see if maybe there is something good to be found in it.

Nathalie is a first-year medical student. She previously studied Public and International Affairs before completing a postbacc program and applying to medical school. She loves playing tennis, spending time with her younger siblings, exploring new places, and reading—especially modern fiction, an interest sparked by her favorite college literature course (even if she didn't always understand what was going on).